Once Upon a Beanstalk and the Magical Jack
by Hana Okita
Summary: Vocaloid version of 'Jack and the Magical Beanstalk! Just a little messed up. Rated T for some ... suggestive themes (Not in the perverted way thank you very much) and slight cursing and nonsense. [Complete.]


There was a poor woman who lived with her son, beanstalk. Beanstalk was too young to work so he collected wild fruits to eat, everyday. The only possession they had was a cow and their house, and a bunch of useless crap.

One day, their poor cow stopped giving them milk.

"Holy crap!" Beanstalk's mother cursed. "Now we don't have milk to drink anymore!"

"We can get water from the fountain, mother." Beanstalk stated.

"No way! That's too … troublesome! And we don't have a bucket!"

"A cracked one, mother." Beanstalk raised a cracked bucket that he got from nowhere.

"It'll leak out!" Beanstalk's mother retorted stubbornly.

"We can use the jug, mother."

Beanstalk's mother considered. Beanstalk waited.

"Nah, too troublesome." She concluded. "Go sell the cow, beanstalk!" She ordered, jabbing a finger in the direction of their verge-on-falling door.

"Yes, mother." Beanstalk said gloomily and stalked out from the house. He looked at the cow sadly.

"Oh, milk (LOL what), I will miss you dearly! I hope your new master will treat you well." He took hold of the rope that was tying the cow's neck up and started walking to the street sadly.

"Why are you so sad, boy?" Someone asked him. Beanstalk looked up and saw a plump man clothed in a magician's robe stroking his beard whilst studying him.

"Because mother wants to sell milk," Jack replied. "And milk has been with me for … a very long time."

"Maybe you don't need to sell him." The stranger muttered and dug his hand into his pocket, searching for something.

"What?"

The stranger took hold of beanstalk's hand and placed an object into it.

"What is this, mister?" Beanstalk looked at his hand and saw a grumpy boy about the size of a seed.

"It is a magical Jack," The stranger replied. "It will help you through you problems." Under his breath he muttered, "I suppose."

"What was that, mister?"

The stranger waved his hands frantically. "Oh, nothing, nothing! Anyway, that magical jack will grow into the sky. You may find something interesting up there."

"Ooh …"

"So, want to trade this thing for the cow?" The stranger asked eagerly.

"How are you sure that this thing will _truly _grow into the sky and help me?" Beanstalk eyed the stranger suspiciously.

"Well, I'm a magician." Taking out a card he added, "No lie."

Beanstalk peered at the magician's _'magician identity card_' and nodded reluctantly.

"Well, it's settled then!" The magician said jovially. He took hold of the rope and went away, waving his hand and shouting a cheery 'bye bye!' to beanstalk.

Beanstalk looked at the magical Jack. "Hi, magical Jack." He felt stupid talking to a bean, but continued anyway, "I hope you'll really help me and my family."

"I'M NOT A MAGICAL JACK!" Magical Jack shouted. "My name is Akaito! Not magical Jack! Damn that stupid magician!"

"You talked!" Beanstalk exclaimed. "Magical jack talked!"

"My name isn't magical Jack!" Magical Jack barked. "It's Akaito!"

"Oh, you have a name?" Beanstalk looked at magical Jack in awe. "I have, too! Mother prefers to call me beanstalk but my true name is Mokaito." Beanstalk informed.

"Ooh. Hi, beanstalk. You're supposed to plant me in the ground."

"How about a pot?"

"No. I said the ground." Magical Jack said stubbornly. "You'll regret it if you plant me into a pot."

"O-okay …" Beanstalk smiled nervously. "Um, you're a real human?"

"Yeah, of course I am! But for some reason, I woke up in that stinky magician's pocket." Magical Jack said grumpily.

"Actually, I'm a beanstalk. I was born via pot." Beanstalk muttered. "I guess we're the same."

* * *

"WHAT? YOU SOLD OUR COW FOR JUST THIS … THIS …"

"A magical Jack, mother."

"THIS MAGICAL JACK? YOU CRAZY?" Beanstalk's mother shrieked.

"No, mother. A 'magician' told me that this magical Jack would help our family." Beanstalk assured her.

"NO WAY HAY DAY MAY SAY NAY NAY NOW GO THROW IT!" Beanstalk's mother said, pointing at the door.

"No, mother! This was traded for our cow! Let's try to –"

Beanstalk's mother grabbed the seed. "IF YA DON'T WANNA THROW IT, YOUR MAMA WILL THROW IT FOR YA!" With that, she flung the seed out from the window.

"NOOOOOOOOO! MOTHER!" Beanstalk shrieked and ran to the window. "MAGICAL JACK! AKAITO! NOOOOOOOOO!" Magical Jack sank into the ground.

"M-magical J-j-jack …" Beanstalk whispered. "H-h-h-he's g-g-g-g-g-gone …"

Beanstalk's mother did an O^O face. "I'm sorry, son … I-I got out of control and … sorry."

Beanstalk did a TT^TT face and walked to the door silently.

Beanstalk's mother looked at him with an O3O face, shrugged, and went to her own room.

* * *

The next day, beanstalk walked out from his room while rubbing his eyes. He looked out from the window and bit back a shriek.

A gigantic, curly, and tall human body was outside his window, its feet buried in the ground. The 'human's' head was covered in the sky. Beanstalk suddenly could hear someone laughing evilly.

"What the crap!" Beanstalk shouted. "Akaito, why can I hear you laughing so evilly? Why isn't anyone waking up at your tremendously loud laughter?"

"Because, my dear beanstalk," The magical Jack whose head was in the clouds. (Beanstalk gagged.) "You, and I, are connected by this … cosmic mind bonder. Thing. I don't know."

"Am I supposed to climb you?" Beanstalk asked.

"Yeah. Come up here! There's this … argh, I think you coming up, and seeing for yourself is better."

Beanstalk did a 030 face and rushed out from the door. He peered up at his 'friend' and started climbing. He took good care not to touch magical Jack's magical unicorn horn and pleaded magical Jack not to fart when he climbed up magical Jack's butt. Finally, with much difficulty, the boy succeeded in climbing magical Jack.

Beanstalk did a :D face. Magical Jack snorted and did a -_- face.

"Look," Magical Jack said, pointing at a castle. "That's the interesting thing."

"Ooh …" Beanstalk marveled while doing a sparkly-eyed-happy face and looked at the castle. "I'm supposed to go in there?"

"Yeah, like, totally. Go on."

"Yay! Okay!" Beanstalk chirped and danced towards the castle. He opened the door cautiously and crept to the hall. He looked at his surroundings.

"Whoa … it's so big …" Beanstalk mumbled. The furniture in the house was beanstalk times five, at least. Which is very big.

A giant woman came stomping out, her every step causing mini earthquakes and furniture shaking slightly. Her eyes darted around, until she spotted beanstalk. Beanstalk thought that she would yell and scream at him to scram, but she kneeled down.

"What are you doing here, human?" She asked with a heavily strong accent. Giant woman looked at beanstalk worriedly, like she was scared that a monster would walk over and gulp beanstalk up.

"Uh … I traded a cow for a magical Jack," Beanstalk gestured to the doors. "And yesterday, for some reason, magical Jack got thrown outside."

"Go on." Giant woman gestured for the boy to continue.

"And then, today morning, when I woke up, he was so tall his head was in the sky." Beanstalk did a 'tall' gesture. "He asked me to climb up here, which I did, and here I am. Yeah, that's probably about all."

Giant woman nodded in response and stood up, thinking. "Well, my husband is coming back soon, and he is fond of little boys like you."

"Actually, I'm a beanstalk."

Giant woman smiled. "Oh, really? That's good! My husband has took a liking to beanstalks."

Suddenly, the door was flung open, revealing a giant man that was two times bigger than giant woman. "Why is there a giant human seed outside? He's lucky that I only like little boys, not giant boys!"

Giant man noticed beanstalk and grinned evilly. "Why, a little boy! Why is your skin green? Ah, whatever. Wife, cook this boy for my dinner!" He ordered.

"Actually, husband, this is a beanstalk."

Giant man blinked and smiled at beanstalk. "A beanstalk, you say? Why didn't you say so? I believe that we'll make great friends. Wait for me here," He said, running up a flight of stairs.

After a while, giant man came back. He was hoisting a sack over his shoulder and holding a harp with a human face.

"Here," He said, handing beanstalk the objects. "I guess this'll help your family."

"How did you …?"

"My wife told me via cosmic mind brain." Giant man said while pressing two fingers on either side of his head. His wife did the same and brain waves came out from their heads, ringing over the whole house. The two did a weird noise.

"_Should we save his friend? (Friend, friend, friend ...)"_

"_Hmm, maybe … (maybe, maybe, maybe …)"_

"Wow! Why can I hear you guys?" Beanstalk asked.

"Because you talked to us, and we can communicate with everyone we talked to before via cosmic mind!"

"Oh …" Beanstalk did the same action as the two giants and they communicated via cosmic mind.

In the end, the giants gave him a vial along with the two other objects and Beanstalk went out merrily.

* * *

Beanstalk fed magical Jack the vial and magical Jack reduced to human size. The sack was filled with coins and Beanstalk's mother took the human-head harp to the streets to perform singing. Turns out the human-head harp could sing and talk. The money in the sack was endless and the four –Human-sized magical Jack, beanstalk, beanstalk's mother and the human-head harp- enjoyed prosperity.

They lived bean-ily ever after.

The End.

**Let me inform you guys about this series a bit. It's called the 'Once Upon a' series, so every story will have a 'Once Upon a' in front of it. **

**Thank you for all of the reviews! And thanks to NatAngel Dark Wings for the Beauty and the Beast suggestion! Yeah, I thought about that before, but I need more ideas. That can wait for a while.**

**Uh… some help here! I need to know what couple pairing you guys want for the next story! Yeah … help would be appreciated.**

**Reviews, please! OwO thanks!**

**-Hana **


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